Karli:This is me;*completely.

I don’t want to lose him, God that is the last thing I want to happen. I love this man to pieces. I have never imagined loving someone this much as being possible…oh but it is. I want to hold on tight and never ever let go. But what do I do when I feel like I do now…hurt…scared…unsure…vulnerable…naive. I feel like there are things going on behind my back that I don’t know about, yet it feels like it’s right in my face and I’m just too blinded by my love for him to really see it. But then I think I’m just imagining it…just because every other guy has fucked me over doesn’t mean this one will too…no not the one who matters more than my life matters to me. It couldn’t be…God please don’t let it be. It’s small things…like a stupid lie…or at least it seems stupid but maybe there is more to it…he could have just told me the truth that his parents didn’t need his help and he was going to do something else. But instead he lied to me and said he went there for a little while…why would he lie about something so small? I don’t understand…I feel like there is a bigger picture that I’m not seeing. Maybe I’m just imagining it all? Maybe I’m too insecure and afraid of my bad luck repeating again and again? God please tell me what it is. I’m so scared to find out 3 months from now that shit is going on behind my back and he has been lying the whole time. IT WOULD KILL ME, WREK ME, TEAR ME INTO A MILLION PIECES, I would be devastated…no pain could ever compare to what I would feel. My love for this man is so complex and indescribable. I love him with every inch of my body, heart, and soul. What do I do? I am so tired of feeling so helpless and stupid…if I question him I feel stupider. I do trust him, at least I think I do…but mostly I blame my own stupid insecurities…thanks to all the past assholes who taught me not to trust. I am so fed up with crying these tears of fear. I honestly am lost…what do I do? I hope to god it’s all in my head. I pray that he truly loves me and cares for me like he says he does…I hope to god that he is as faithful as he says he is…please god, please. I need this love so much, I love him more than anything…don’t let it all slip away…I don’t want to slip away with it again…I wouldn’t make it out alive.